Off the Battlefield
by Universitas
Summary: Assorted drabbles and one-shots about those rare moments where Victor Shepard and Joker aren't risking their lives. *M!Shepard/Joker* Includes shaving and shopping disasters, the pilot's chair, and fancy parties.
1. The Razor Incident

These are just a bunch of miscellaneous stories that were on my LiveJournal since some time ago, but I never bothered to put them up here until now. The inspiration for these came from the desire to write pure fluff after the hectic mix of "Chessboard."

I do not own _Mass Effect._ BioWare and EA do.

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><p><strong>The Razor Incident<br>**_by Universitas / c_saber_

Victor Shepard awoke to a blaring cacophony and stinging white. Blinking away his grogginess and the intensity of the lights, he forced his eyes to get the sight of his cabin back into focus.

At least, the sight of a horribly trashed cabin. For one thing, he was naked, on top of a sheetless bed, _and_ on the wrong side of it. The case displaying his old dog tags lay flat on the floor in front of his nightstand, while a framed still of him and Joker stood upside-down. And it got worse. The Prothean artifact and his N7 helmet had switched places, shot glasses were scattered all over the place, and the model SR-1 had been shoehorned into a wine glass. Victor's eyes zeroed in on the probable perpetrator: the heap of Armali Flame Whiskey bottles on the couch. His only thought: shit.

And where was… the sounds of panicked "no"'s coming from the other end of the cabin gave Victor the answer to that question straight away.

With a groan, Victor forced himself off the bed, plucked the underwear that had found its way to the top of a lamp, and tugged it on. It was then he realized a familiar soreness in his ass. He pressed his palm to his face.

A sudden _"What the hell?"_ soon broke his train of thought. Victor, trying to ignore his various aches, trudged over to the bathroom. If he was lucky, Joker was just as sore as he was. Though from what he saw in the bathroom mirror told him anything, bodily aches were the least of Joker's worries.

Joker whirled around and pointed to his jaw. "How _crazy_ did we get last night?"

Victor's jaw dropped: Joker's beard—hell, all the hair on his head—had been reduced to a patchy, shortened mess.

And the sight of Joker without his trademark beard, one of the many things on which he prided himself _and_ the one thing he said he had over Victor… Just… damn. After taking a few moments to collect himself, he crossed his arms and said, "Pretty damn crazy, judging by the looks of that."

Joker grumbled, pressing a razor to the remains of his beard.

"But it's probably for the best if we don't remember exactly what happened to cause _that."_ Victor felt a tad guilty that he wasn't taking the loss of the beard as seriously as Joker was. In fact, he found the pilot's antics rather amusing.

_"Actually, I can relay a description of the events from last night, although I would be unable to relate the more explicit details due to minimal surveillance operations during certain periods."_

"No thanks, EDI," Joker said. "Victor's right—gah." He flinched, grimacing at the new cut on his chin. "She can tell us everything except the parts we'd _want_ to remember." Finally, Joker tossed a glance over his shoulder at Victor. "We are _not_ talking about this ever again."

Victor smirked. "Aye-aye."


	2. High Maintenance

**High Maintenance  
><strong>_by Universitas / c_saber_

How the hell did someone spend so much time in one store?

Joker sat on a bench outside Chevalier—the man's favorite store of all time, it seemed. His gaze lingered on the display holos; good-looking men dressed in classy high-end designer apparel—just what the man liked. Especially the good-looking men part.

Heh. Joker cracked a grin through his boredom. He had just stroked his own ego there.

"You look full of life," a bodiless voice said from behind him.

He shrugged, used to Kasumi's stealthed conversations. "I thought you were with him."

"I was. Got bored quickly, though." A chuckle. "He is _so_high-maintenance. Sucks for you, huh?"

"No kidding. Lucky for me, he maintains himself."

"He also maintains _you_."

"Well, at least it gets us all the attention at the clubs." Joker grinned. "Especially from the ladies." Sure, he was with the commander, but getting hit on by women was always welcome. He just never reciprocated the come-ons.

"And they're quickly disappointed to find that the two best-dressed guys in the club are dating. _Each other._"

Joker's grin widened; true enough. "The clothes also make 'bedtime' last a little longer."

"You don't need to go there."

"That's that." The sound of Victor Shepard's voice drew Joker's gaze upwards. The commander carried, as usual, a number of containers. Ridiculous that he didn't just have the clothes delivered to the _Normandy_, but Victor liked doing his clothes shopping the "old-fashioned way." "Wanna head over to Serrice Imports? I heard they have some new stuff—and a sale."

Joker pushed himself off the bench. Now that actually sounded interesting. "Sure. Why not?"

As the two of them headed down the mall, Joker ignored Kasumi's "They are too cute" from behind.


	3. Distraction

**Distraction  
><strong>_by Universitas / c_saber_

"There you go," Joker said, "your personal fantasy, lived."

It was kind of awkward, Victor noted, riding out the afterglow on the pilot's chair with Joker on his lap. Different, too; a nice change from the usual bed one level up on the Normandy. "Definitely worth the trouble. You had no idea how hard it was, convincing everyone to get off the ship. Some of them just didn't want to leave. Ken and Gabby were neck-deep in their calibrations, Miranda had her work…"

Joker grinned. "What work? Writing stories and passing them off as 'mission reports' for her old boss? Can't imagine there being anything for her to do anymore."

"She's a smart woman. She always finds something."

"Reminds me of someone else we know." Joker glanced towards the side of the cockpit, where EDI's avatar usually was. Since an hour ago, however, the blue sphere was respectfully absent. The AI was ever-present on the ship, but at least she made sure not to show it—or record certain… things. "But wait. We still have all this time to ourselves, and we're spending it by talking about EDI and Miranda?"

Victor chuckled. "Fine. We can do this instead." He reached up for Joker's chin and yanked it toward him. Stubble—Joker's beard hadn't recovered yet from the Razor Incident—met stubble as their lips found each other.

It was a good several minutes before either of them spoke up again. "I really don't want to get up from this," Victor said, his head resting on the back of the chair, eyes closed. "You have no idea how nice this is right now."

Funny, he realized. At the start of things, he thought another relationship could've proven a distraction. He was terrified at the thought, thinking back to just before the attack on the Collectors. But now, with the Reapers approaching the galaxy's doorstep and the whole business with Samuel Yin and the Shadow Broker behind him, Victor found that a distraction just what he needed. That those quiet moments of doing nothing or those amazing nights or going out with Joker's hand in his were the best thing he could've asked for.

Joker snorted, his face buried in the crook of Victor's neck. "I have no idea? Heh, I just don't want to have to grab my clothes. Walking's going to be a bitch after this."

"No kidding." Victor offered Joker a small peck on the top of his head. "No kidding."


	4. Commander and Pilot: Downward Shift

**Commander and Pilot - Downward Shift  
><strong>_by Universitas / c_saber _

**1. Tension**

"Trust me, it'll be better than the old days."

"I want to believe you." Shepard pushed himself off the bulkhead he was leaning on. "So, about that report…"

Joker spun the pilot's seat around and returned his consoles. It was then, flipping through the haptic windows and rattling off bits of data, that he felt especially conscious of Shepard's presence just behind him. Of the man's hand resting off to the side.

Shepard could've gotten the exact same report from EDI, probably a better one, too. But he came to him, and Joker appreciated that.

Probably more than Shepard thought.

**2. Forward**

"So…"

Shepard looked up at Joker from across the mess hall table.

Joker took a breath. "We're going somewhere with this." No more vague crushing and sexual tension, but a relationship.

"You don't want to?"

He gave him a short stare. "It's not you, it's me." Shepard blinked. "Of course I want to." As much as the idea of being Commander Shepard's… boyfriend weirded him out.

Now Shepard paused. "Then it looks like this is going somewhere."

"It's official?" Joker grinned.

And Shepard returned it. "It's official."

"Too cute."

Joker glanced up at the sound of a dropped cloak. "Kasumi!"

**3. Caution**

The first night in Victor's bed made all the build-up worth it. Despite the sore ass, Joker decided, heading through the CIC to the cockpit.

"Joker?"

He stopped and looked over his shoulder. Kelly was grinning from ear to ear. "It looks like you had a good time last night."

"You're not going to put all the details in your 'psych profiles,' right?"

That prompted a chuckle. "No… I just wanted to tell you something. Shepard's burying a lot of baggage. And he doesn't share it with anyone."

"Huh?"

"I know it sounds weird, but… take care of him, okay?"

**4. Backward**

Joker hated feeling useless.

Victor's disappearance drenched him in that feeling. What could he do while the squad chased their missing commander halfway across the galaxy? While they investigated all those leads? While they fought against Victor himself? Nothing.

When the squad finally cornered him and brought him back, when he sat at Victor's desk waiting for the man to come up, Joker admitted to himself that that uselessness, even more than whatever reasons Victor had, was why he was so damn angry.

It was a throwback to two years without his ship and without _him_ that he didn't need.

**5. Doubt**

With the Alpha Relay, fate had kicked Victor after Garrus' death brought him down. He tried moving forward, almost convincing Joker that everything was business as usual.

Then Joker came up to the captain's cabin and found little haptic notes saying "_Snake Fang_" and "Garrus" and "Bahak" scattered across the desk.

He saw Victor perusing a datapad by the bed, then looked back at the desk. Victor was wallowing in his failures—enshrining them—and Joker hated how he had absolutely nothing to say.

_"Take care of him,"_ Kelly had said once. And damn was Joker failing miserably at that.


	5. Paragons of High Society

**Paragons of High Society  
><strong>_by c_saber / Universitas_

"I still really don't like crowds."

Beyond the shuttle's window, Monaco flew by in silver and gold streaks. Joker frowned at a garish chrome speeder rushing past. "Especially when everyone in that crowd makes about ten times more than I do."

"You've never wanted to party at the Monte Carlo?"

Victor Shepard, as always, wore his dark suit and his silver accessories like a second skin. Joker glanced it up and down: Chevalier, Zegna, Uzuki… great. All those shopping trips did have an impact. Joker had Victor's favorite designers branded into his brain. On the other hand, Joker constantly tugged on his coat and fingered the buttons. Price tag wasn't everything.

_Maybe it's because I still need my leg braces._

"Nope. Too fancy. Perfectly fine with a dingy little bar with just you, me, and five other people. It's not too late to drop me off."

Victor chuckled. "The hero needs someone on his arm for these things."

"Great, I'm your arm decoration?"

"When I said 'hero,' I meant you."

"The badass pilot and his space marine boyfriend bodyguard." Joker cracked a grin at that image. "Sounds like the perfect action movie setup. Bad guys show up at the fancy party to take me out…" He looked over at Victor. "You have hidden stuff on you, right?"

Victor brought up his omni-tool, and his favorite blade sprang out. Joker didn't bother guessing what else he had in store. "If I was a bad guy, I'd be disappointed if I didn't."

"And after the bad guys die, the pilot and the marine have amazing sex in their hotel room. Actually, we can skip the party and the bad guys and get right to the sex."

"I don't think so." _Worth a shot._

The shuttle descended through a metal dome. Bathed in light, was a white building surrounded with pools and gardens. Overhead, the dome simulated a clear night sky without the modern skyscrapers.

Victor adjusted his thick bracelet as the shuttle shuddered with its landing. "We'll get to the hotel room eventually. Until then, you get Quasar machines, beautiful women, cocktails, and…" He leaned over for a quick kiss.

The door opened to a small landing pad in the garden. Joker emerged from the shuttle rubbing his lips. _Damn tease._


End file.
